Things I know About Dane Emmert, Some of Which Are True.

1. Dane Emmert was born in Hope, Arkansas, in 1946. It is rumored that Dane was shortly followed out of the womb by a twin brother, but nothing could be further from the truth. For the past 60-some years Dane has been living an exhaustive double life posing as both himself and his "twin brother." Psychoanalysts have spent thousands of hours and many more thousands of dollars on electro-convulsive therapy treatments to find the root cause of Dane's severe split personality psychosis, but the most any expert can come up with as an explanation is a chronic and debilitating addiction to Strawberry Welch's.

2. In his early childhood, Dane Emmert was seen as something of a child prodigy. When interviewed on this point, friends and family were unable to clearly articulate what exact subjects Dane excelled in; nor was anyone able to offer any other commentary other than "Well, that Dane...he was prodigious." When Dane as his "twin" was interviewed, he insisted the moniker came from Dane being "the typical prodigal son." He then broke down weeping, admitting he'd never actually read the Bible and was unsure of what the Bible even was.

3. In 1992, after winning a hard-fought national election with 43% of the vote, Dane Emmert became the 42nd President of the United States.

4. Dane Emmert began an illustrious career at Trader Joe's as a Human Zamboni Machine, cleaning the floors by shimmying around on his stomach. He was paid or even asked to show up, but after 18 months of this he was eventually promoted to Fruit Fly Trap Layer in the produce department. Dane was asked to move on to the cookie and cracker section of the store, but was promptly removed when he refused to quit shouting, "Who ate all the Pecan Sandies?!" and chain-smoking Dunhills.

5. After leaving Trader Joe's, Dane Emmert accepted a tenure-track position teaching at MCTC in the field of phrenology. Closer inspection reveals this teaching "position" amounted mostly to sitting on Hennepin Avenue and begging strangers to allow him to give them "the ol' head-bump rubbin'." A surprising amount of passersby agreed.

6. Dane Emmert died at the ripe old age of 88. He left behind his wife, Agatha, and his two children Seamus and Farnsworth.