Eerie

I think that's how you spell the word. Tonight feels eerie, maybe its because my body has finally recovered from Las Vegas. Yes, we went there, yes, it was awesome, no I didn't win money, yes we got crazy drunk for 5 days in a row. Anyway I used to get moods like this all the time where the only thing I knew is that I didn't know anything at all. I would literally talk to myself just muttering "I dunno" over and over. This was certainly before life changing events happened. See I do know some things now. I know that we are sad without each other but miserable with each other. Hard to know what is worse some days. I NEVER thought I would say I learned something from Jersey Shore but after watching the misery of Ronnie and Sammi, yeah I get it. I get that we can't be together and it needs to stay that way, or we will end up like those idiots.

Whatever it is

If you believe in something, just BELIEVE in it. Hypocrisy is so so prevalent in this world and it is just a detriment to society and everyday life. I will throw this out there, I am an atheist. I don't feel it makes me a bad person, I have morals and treat people decently, I just know I won't go to "hell" if I don't. That being said I have no problem with someone that has different values and opinions, but fucking back it up! My friend wouldn't eat meat today. Why? Because it is Friday and he is Catholic so while he suffered from watching me eat my bacon cheeseburger I was thinking "why are you doing this?" My friend is clearly not religious in any sense of the word, sins like a mother fucker yet now for a month and change he is a pious man of God? Give me a break!

Stupid Weather

I wanted to go for a drive tonight. I say this to myself a lot, usually after a day where I sit in my dirty apartment play online poker for 12 hours and wind up with nothing to show for it. Poker is one of the funnest games in the world, it challenges you, it allows you to connect with people from around the world. I literally said things to myself today like "Wow, a Spaniard didn't pay me off?" And "Why in the world did you try to bluff a German?" (The Germans, they are not big on folding, it implies surrender and they don't like that. If poker was big in Japan I would imagine the same thing would apply.) Anyway, I wanted to go for a drive and just listen to the radio but a friend of mine warned me that is very slippery out so I guess I won't be doing that. If I could invent anything it would be a button that one could push just so they could fall asleep. See in general I think I am a happy person that enjoys being around people and making them laugh and laughing with them. It is these times in the late evening where I cannot sleep due to my own poor habits that my bad emotions kick in. Anger, resentment etc. And at the end of the day, I really shouldn't feel that way because none of it matters. One thing I do when I'm feeling down is look at the Twitters and Facebooks of people that I know are much worse off then me. I know it is not healthy but it helps! I can realize that I have friends, I'm pretty healthy (I even lost 6 pounds this week) and that I can go to the mall and spend $400 on myself at Express. Yet I don't know I still get this emptiness in me from time to time. It's possible that living alone for the past year while in some ways was great, hurt me a little bit. It allowed myself to be isolated and simply not have to turn it on when I didn't want to. In a matter of weeks I am moving in with my best friend and very much looking forward to it. Some people tell you it is a terrible idea to live with your best friend, I would bet those people are women. Tony and I are going to have an awesome time and I really think it will help lift my spirits.